Permission, Compliance, and Going Deeper with Brother Phap Huu

On crying

“What do you mean I don’t need permission?” asked fox.

“Exactly that,” replied bear, hugging her closer as fox began to weep.

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Mobile: Pride Tangle
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Thoughts while making
Where in your life are you waiting for permission?

When I was in the first grade, I took a bus to school. The ride was over an hour long.

Often, when we finally arrived at school, I would need to go the bathroom.

One day, I didn’t have time to go before the bell rang.

So, I held it. And held it. And held it some more.

At the same time, a number of other kids were raising their hands.

To get a drink of water. To deliver a note to the office. To get a snack.

Finally, the teacher had had enough. She said something like, “No more hand raising. Everybody is going to stay in your seats until lunch.”

I was an extremely compliant kid. I did what I was told, even when it was not in my best interest.

So, I didn’t raise my hand. I sat in my seat. And eventually, I went to the bathroom right there.

A toe-headed six-year-old boy sitting in wet pants with a puddle under his seat.

The girl in the seat next to me, Elaine, raised her hand (go figure) and told our teacher that something smelled.

I don’t remember what happened next or anything else from that day.

Suffice it to say, I was mortified.

Today, I was listening to Episode 23 of “The Way Out Is In,” a podcast with Brother Phap Huu and Jo Confino on the Plum Village App from Plum Village.

They were talking about their favorite calligraphy sayings from Thich Nhat Hanh, and Jo shared that one of his was, “The tears I shed yesterday have become rain.”

Jo offers this poignant story of why this saying touches him, of impermanence, the interconnection of all things, and Brother Phap Huu, responds, “It also feels like it gives me permission to cry.”

Permission to cry.

This jumped out at me.

Does the rain ask for permission to fall?

Why do we?

So often we wait – to jump, to feel, to dream, to do, to cry, and yes, even to pee – until it is “appropriate,” or we are told it’s okay, acceptable.

As a result, many of us never do.

Where in your life are you consciously or unconsciously waiting for permission to be more fully you?